drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
