Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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