I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
