I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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