That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
