Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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