My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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