I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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