is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
