I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
