I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
