can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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