dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize