Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
