I got her a Nickelback box set.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
