I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
