I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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