Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
