you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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