I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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