Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
