Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
