remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
