Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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