i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize