you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
