She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
