At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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