i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize