White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize