proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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