mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I need a beard to bite.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize