A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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