dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
