Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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