areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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