did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
