take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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