i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
The beer is more important than you right now.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
