I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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