Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
