sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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