...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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