i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Randomize
