I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
