When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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