The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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