Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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