It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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