we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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