Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
