Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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