I wish my penis had an off switch
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
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