A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
