I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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