I need help removing her.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
