Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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