I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
