Umm I'm too high to move.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize