Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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