who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
oh god the rape fog is back!
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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