I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
