Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
