I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
